There are many types of relationships, and each one is unique. For example, your relationship with your parents is likely very different from your relationship with your friends or partner. Ideally, the best relationships are ones exhibiting trust, respect, honesty and balance. In codependent relationships, there is an imbalance between you and the other person; oftentimes, it may be lacking those key foundations too. Though codependency is frequently applied in the context of substance use disorders (SUDs), it can occur with anyone (e.g., boss, coworkers, acquaintances).

Because it’s human nature to want to help others, it’s common in codependent relationships to feel a sense of neglect or self-sacrifice when supporting someone you believe needs help. You may knowingly or unknowingly spend extra time nurturing, protecting and supporting someone, which subsequently can lead to enabling negative behaviors.

If you suspect you or someone you know is in a codependent relationship, you may notice these signs:

Feeling You Need to Save Someone from Themselves

You may feel a sense of responsibility for someone’s behavior or emotions. They may blame you for their experiences, which may lead to wanting to support them even further in order to meet their needs.

Seeking to Change Someone

If you notice you wish your partner would change key aspects about themselves and actively try to change them, you may be in a codependent relationship. This may show up as a difference in values, beliefs and routines.

Feeling Selfish for Prioritizing Yourself

Self-care is essential in creating a healthy, balanced life. You may feel guilty for taking time for yourself or planning to do something without them. Feeling motivated to prioritize yourself may also be difficult, including making time and space for doing things you love.

Unsure of How to Describe Your Feelings About the Relationship

Though not exclusively a sign of codependency, an inability to describe relationship boundaries may be a sign of an imbalance. By spending most of your time anticipating someone else’s needs, you may not be aware of your own needs and your own positive and negative feelings.

Feeling Anxious When You Don’t Hear from Them

You may feel anxious when you are not in constant communication with someone. It is important to recognize this is different than not hearing from someone when they said they would reach out by a certain time. This applies to the feelings you experience when they are not in contact with you, even for a short amount of time.

Being Alone Can Be Difficult

Spending time with yourself is important to a balanced life. Maybe you notice that a lot of your alone time is focused on thinking of someone else and their needs or wondering when you will speak to or see them again. Alone time is considered healthy; however, if you notice that time apart from others is uncomfortable, consider addressing why it feels that way.

Routinely Cancelling Plans to Spend Time with Them

Having personal time outside of your relationships is very important. Aim to balance your time between work, relationships with your partner, family and friends, hobbies and self-care. Notice if you are routinely sacrificing important areas of your life to accommodate someone.

Feeling Like You Ask for Too Much

Communication is an essential part of healthy relationships. Speaking up for your needs, expressing when certain words and behaviors are negatively affecting you and creating boundaries are necessary from both parties in a healthy relationship. If you feel like you ask for too much, your requests are not heard, you fear their response and/or you’re told you are too demanding, you may be in a codependent relationship.

Escalating Behavior When You Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries in any relationship can be difficult. When someone reacts negatively or escalates the conversation when you set or follow through on boundaries, you may be in a codependent relationship. This indicates an imbalance between their needs and yours.

The receiver of this codependent attention may or may not recognize they are taking advantage of the giver. Recognizing and reducing this behavior is important to your health and wellbeing. If you are in a codependent relationship, you may not see the problem as clearly because you are so close to the receiver. It’s important to recognize that codependency impedes the recovery process of those living with SUDs.

If you or someone you know is in a codependent relationship and wants to seek help, there are many resources available.

Speak to a military counselor, chaplain and/or command leadership.

Seek support through Military OneSource.

Reach out for additional mental health support.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, contact the Military Crisis Line at 988 and press 1, or Text 838255. You can also call 911.